Monday, October 15, 2012
Saturday, October 13, 2012
Life Before I was Diagnosed Part 3
Good Morning Fellow Readers:
After a year at KSU, I decided it wasn't for me and I was on academic probation because I didnt want to be there. I still wanted to be up in the mountains working at the Y. The reason I was partying all of the time was because I was rebelling and I was starting to become more iradic in my thoughts.
When the fall of 1980 rolled around I was enrolled in the Manhattan Area VOTECH in their secretarial program and I was still partying heavliy on weekends. I knew that being a secratery was not for me, but I stuck it out for a year. I really wanted to be a horse breeder and a journalist and author so that I could afford to breed, rasie, and train, Egytian bred, blue list, Arabian Horses. if I had the money I would still like to do that. It is a dream of mine to be an writer and horse breeder.
In the fall of 1981, my parents finally let me enroll at Dodge City Community College in their Horse Scinece Technology Program. My GPA at DC3 was aa 4.0, but I hated the instructor because he was an asshole and was abusive to the high dollar horses at the barn. Ii couldn't tollerate it so my drinking really started picking up and my room mate introduced me to weed. By this time, the interior pain in my head was getting unbearable and I didnt know what to know about it so I self medicated with alcohol and weed.
I dropped out of of DC3 mid term second semester because I couldn't take it any longer. I had had enough of watching the instructor beating the horses. I walked out an went to work at Ford County Feed lot. I was the only female on the lot part of the lot. I worked in the hospital doctoring sick cattle and riding pens. I worked there for four months and partied hardy while I was working there.
It was at that time that I met my first husband and the father of my son. He was home on military emergency leave from Fort Wainwright, Alaska. The day i met him I was partying with his sister at the local bar that was located a quarter mile out of the town of Ford because the town was dry. It did take long before we were in love or what I thought was love and one night we were drunk of out asses and we slept together and I conceived my son on that night. My ex husband was a hard core alcoholic and I was on the way to being one myself.
He went back to Alaska after a month and a few months later I flew up there and married him to give the baby a last name and because I thought that I was in love with him. we lived in a nomadic state and after a few months I went back to Manhattan (I didn't drink or smoke while I was pregnant) and lived with my parents. I had my son at Erwin Army Hospital on Fort Riley.
I was in labor for 36 hours and dilated only four centimeters so they had to take my son by emergency C-section. I was in ICU for three days before I got to see my son. God blessed me with a healthy 9 lb 2 oz baby boy. MY ex husband only saw his son in pictures. He was too busy drinking and partying in AK to even care about us. whenmy son was nine months old, I divorced his father.
After a year at KSU, I decided it wasn't for me and I was on academic probation because I didnt want to be there. I still wanted to be up in the mountains working at the Y. The reason I was partying all of the time was because I was rebelling and I was starting to become more iradic in my thoughts.
When the fall of 1980 rolled around I was enrolled in the Manhattan Area VOTECH in their secretarial program and I was still partying heavliy on weekends. I knew that being a secratery was not for me, but I stuck it out for a year. I really wanted to be a horse breeder and a journalist and author so that I could afford to breed, rasie, and train, Egytian bred, blue list, Arabian Horses. if I had the money I would still like to do that. It is a dream of mine to be an writer and horse breeder.
In the fall of 1981, my parents finally let me enroll at Dodge City Community College in their Horse Scinece Technology Program. My GPA at DC3 was aa 4.0, but I hated the instructor because he was an asshole and was abusive to the high dollar horses at the barn. Ii couldn't tollerate it so my drinking really started picking up and my room mate introduced me to weed. By this time, the interior pain in my head was getting unbearable and I didnt know what to know about it so I self medicated with alcohol and weed.
I dropped out of of DC3 mid term second semester because I couldn't take it any longer. I had had enough of watching the instructor beating the horses. I walked out an went to work at Ford County Feed lot. I was the only female on the lot part of the lot. I worked in the hospital doctoring sick cattle and riding pens. I worked there for four months and partied hardy while I was working there.
It was at that time that I met my first husband and the father of my son. He was home on military emergency leave from Fort Wainwright, Alaska. The day i met him I was partying with his sister at the local bar that was located a quarter mile out of the town of Ford because the town was dry. It did take long before we were in love or what I thought was love and one night we were drunk of out asses and we slept together and I conceived my son on that night. My ex husband was a hard core alcoholic and I was on the way to being one myself.
He went back to Alaska after a month and a few months later I flew up there and married him to give the baby a last name and because I thought that I was in love with him. we lived in a nomadic state and after a few months I went back to Manhattan (I didn't drink or smoke while I was pregnant) and lived with my parents. I had my son at Erwin Army Hospital on Fort Riley.
I was in labor for 36 hours and dilated only four centimeters so they had to take my son by emergency C-section. I was in ICU for three days before I got to see my son. God blessed me with a healthy 9 lb 2 oz baby boy. MY ex husband only saw his son in pictures. He was too busy drinking and partying in AK to even care about us. whenmy son was nine months old, I divorced his father.
Friday, October 12, 2012
My Life Before I was Diagnoses Bipolar Part 2
God Morning All:
The Summer after my first year in college at FSHU (Fort Hay state University) I went to work at the YMCA of The Rockies Snow Mountain ranch for the Summer. I had always stayed there during our families winter and spring break ski trips to Winter Park. It was and still is a rustic Y-Camp. I worked in the kitchen from six in the morning until three in the after noon and would spend the rest of my spare time at the dude ranch riding their rough stock. I was and still am an avid hosre lover and horse woman. However, I havent owned a horse since 1993.
I had a friend Nancy at the Y and she was old enough to by hard liquor and our days off were the same so we would drink and camp out. There was no Alcohol allowed at the Y but that didnt stop us. I felt that that summer was a paid vacation. At the end of the summer, I wanted to continue working at the y and get my Colorado Residnecy so that I could go to Colorado state university in their horse science techonology program. However, I lost that arguement and ended up going back to Manhattan and attending KSU. I enrolled in the Animal Science Program because I figured it would be a good way to achieve me goal of breeding, rasing, and training Blue list Egytpian bred arabians. (I have always had lofty goals). However, the animal Science program proved to have too much chemistry in it and I was no good at chemistry. So I switched majors to business and found that wasnt to my liking.
My next major was journalism. I figured I would become a world class journalist and author and make my money that way so that I could get the money to start my horse breeding farm that way. However, the journalism major didnt pan out either because my roommate, a friend and I spent a great deal of time in Aggieville drinking at all hours of the day and I would often go to class drunk. By this time, my behavoir was starting to get even more bizaar. I would go out drinking with friends mainly my rommate Pat and my friend Dorie and would start out the evening in a great mood having a great deal of fun and about half way through the evening I would drink and cry.
The Summer after my first year in college at FSHU (Fort Hay state University) I went to work at the YMCA of The Rockies Snow Mountain ranch for the Summer. I had always stayed there during our families winter and spring break ski trips to Winter Park. It was and still is a rustic Y-Camp. I worked in the kitchen from six in the morning until three in the after noon and would spend the rest of my spare time at the dude ranch riding their rough stock. I was and still am an avid hosre lover and horse woman. However, I havent owned a horse since 1993.
I had a friend Nancy at the Y and she was old enough to by hard liquor and our days off were the same so we would drink and camp out. There was no Alcohol allowed at the Y but that didnt stop us. I felt that that summer was a paid vacation. At the end of the summer, I wanted to continue working at the y and get my Colorado Residnecy so that I could go to Colorado state university in their horse science techonology program. However, I lost that arguement and ended up going back to Manhattan and attending KSU. I enrolled in the Animal Science Program because I figured it would be a good way to achieve me goal of breeding, rasing, and training Blue list Egytpian bred arabians. (I have always had lofty goals). However, the animal Science program proved to have too much chemistry in it and I was no good at chemistry. So I switched majors to business and found that wasnt to my liking.
My next major was journalism. I figured I would become a world class journalist and author and make my money that way so that I could get the money to start my horse breeding farm that way. However, the journalism major didnt pan out either because my roommate, a friend and I spent a great deal of time in Aggieville drinking at all hours of the day and I would often go to class drunk. By this time, my behavoir was starting to get even more bizaar. I would go out drinking with friends mainly my rommate Pat and my friend Dorie and would start out the evening in a great mood having a great deal of fun and about half way through the evening I would drink and cry.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
My Life Before I was Diagnosed as Bipolar
Good Morning everyone:
It is 2:30 a.m. and I slept for 5 hours and woke up unable to get back to sleep. My son's father only saw him in pictures when he was in the army and once he was out of the military we were divorced because he was a dead beat dad who relinquished his parental rights because he owed my $10,000 back child support and wouldn't pay. ray was a hard core alcoholic and the alcohol was more important than his son. I divorced Ray when Alan was nine months old.
I was on a downward spiral by that time. I was twenty-four and my behavior was starting to become more bazaar. I was living with my parents at the time and they were helping to take care of Alan. I was back in college and not drinking at the time because I wanted to take care of Alan the best I could with there help. I graduated from KSU with a pud degree in Social Science because I wanted to be able to support myself and my son.
I went to work for my parents in there business and I moved out of there house and into my own. I graduated from KSU in 1986. My grades were poor because I wasn't happy and for the first few years I didn't want to be in school because I wanted to figure out what I wanted to do so I wasted my a parents money and went to Fort Hays State University in Hays, Kansas. I partied there all of the time and was only in class about half of the time. However, my GPA was 3.75. At one point, my friends stopped partying with me and I became fast friends with Black Label Jack Daniels. I would sit in a chair in the common room on my dorm floor and drink Jack and Diet coke and cry.
I recall one time where I invited my boyfriend and some other friends to my dorm room for a wine and cheese party. We drank chateau Mouton Rothschild wine and ate imported cheese after we finished the wine and cheese we went bowling. i really don't remember much about bowling, but I do remember passing out in my boy friends dorm room and waking up the next morning with the room spinning.
It is 2:30 a.m. and I slept for 5 hours and woke up unable to get back to sleep. My son's father only saw him in pictures when he was in the army and once he was out of the military we were divorced because he was a dead beat dad who relinquished his parental rights because he owed my $10,000 back child support and wouldn't pay. ray was a hard core alcoholic and the alcohol was more important than his son. I divorced Ray when Alan was nine months old.
I was on a downward spiral by that time. I was twenty-four and my behavior was starting to become more bazaar. I was living with my parents at the time and they were helping to take care of Alan. I was back in college and not drinking at the time because I wanted to take care of Alan the best I could with there help. I graduated from KSU with a pud degree in Social Science because I wanted to be able to support myself and my son.
I went to work for my parents in there business and I moved out of there house and into my own. I graduated from KSU in 1986. My grades were poor because I wasn't happy and for the first few years I didn't want to be in school because I wanted to figure out what I wanted to do so I wasted my a parents money and went to Fort Hays State University in Hays, Kansas. I partied there all of the time and was only in class about half of the time. However, my GPA was 3.75. At one point, my friends stopped partying with me and I became fast friends with Black Label Jack Daniels. I would sit in a chair in the common room on my dorm floor and drink Jack and Diet coke and cry.
I recall one time where I invited my boyfriend and some other friends to my dorm room for a wine and cheese party. We drank chateau Mouton Rothschild wine and ate imported cheese after we finished the wine and cheese we went bowling. i really don't remember much about bowling, but I do remember passing out in my boy friends dorm room and waking up the next morning with the room spinning.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Letting Go and Letting God
Hello everyone:
I am a bipolar, dabetic, alcoholic and one of them many things that AA has taught me is to let go and let God and I do that on a daily basis.
On April 4, 1989 I was diagnosed as being bipolar and that was after living in a self imposed hell for ten years. I self medicated with alcohol to drown out the pain of what was going on in my head. My life was out of control from the time I was eighteen till the time I was twenty-eight.
During those years, I incurred major credit card debts from sharging many things including two horses and other material things that didnt make me happy. I thought that they would but found out that they were jsut temporary fixes. In the spring of 1982, I met a Ray. I was working at Ford county Feed lot. I was the only female on the lot part of the lot. I was drinking at the local bar that was a quarter mile out of the town because the town was a dry town. I was there with my friend Kim and we were playing pool when Ray walkled in and over to Kim. On my part, I thought it was love at first sight so I went to bed with him that night and was drunk off my ass. Ray was home on emergency leave from the Army. He was stationed in Fort Wainright, Alaska in the com center.
A few months later, I found out that I was pregnant and in the end in order to keep the baby I ended up fkying up to Alaska to marry him. He was so drunk when we were getting married that he put the ring on the wrong finger of the wrong hand. I didnt drink while I was pregnangt or after I had the my son.
I was in labor 36 hours and only dialated 4cm. I ended up having an emergence c-section. I was in ICU for two days before I got to see my 9lb 2oz blond haired 27 inch long baby boy.
I am a bipolar, dabetic, alcoholic and one of them many things that AA has taught me is to let go and let God and I do that on a daily basis.
On April 4, 1989 I was diagnosed as being bipolar and that was after living in a self imposed hell for ten years. I self medicated with alcohol to drown out the pain of what was going on in my head. My life was out of control from the time I was eighteen till the time I was twenty-eight.
During those years, I incurred major credit card debts from sharging many things including two horses and other material things that didnt make me happy. I thought that they would but found out that they were jsut temporary fixes. In the spring of 1982, I met a Ray. I was working at Ford county Feed lot. I was the only female on the lot part of the lot. I was drinking at the local bar that was a quarter mile out of the town because the town was a dry town. I was there with my friend Kim and we were playing pool when Ray walkled in and over to Kim. On my part, I thought it was love at first sight so I went to bed with him that night and was drunk off my ass. Ray was home on emergency leave from the Army. He was stationed in Fort Wainright, Alaska in the com center.
A few months later, I found out that I was pregnant and in the end in order to keep the baby I ended up fkying up to Alaska to marry him. He was so drunk when we were getting married that he put the ring on the wrong finger of the wrong hand. I didnt drink while I was pregnangt or after I had the my son.
I was in labor 36 hours and only dialated 4cm. I ended up having an emergence c-section. I was in ICU for two days before I got to see my 9lb 2oz blond haired 27 inch long baby boy.
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